In the last couple of months we have all learned how to use the various platforms for video conferencing. Grandparents, parents and children can see each-other, friends can get together, separated lovers can do what lovers do, businesses can have staff and customer meetings, educators can educate, in a way that wasn’t possible until recently. So why do we feel Zoomed out? Suffering WhatsAppathy? Tired of Skype?

The answer lies in understanding that our nature as a social species means that our sense of safety is dependent on interaction with others. We co-regulate – that is, our own nervous system responds to those around us, detecting cues and responding at a sub-conscious level. A friendly word, a smile, a welcoming gesture, a reassuring touch, or a comforting hug are all cues that indicate safety. We also respond to more subtle cues – someone leaning in to really listen to us, recognising the smell of fear, picking up on body language that says ‘I’m relaxed’, a baby responding to her parent’s heartbeat when she’s in their arms, or hearing a soothing tone of voice, for example.

The Covid crisis has made many of us fearful, anxious and stressed. Normally we would seek safety in social interaction but this refuge has been denied to us. While videoconferencing has helped enormously to keep us connected, it has its limitations:

  • We are used to video NOT being interactive. We watch films or TV without being part of the conversation, with the action being removed from us. There is a disconnect between our previous experience and this new form of interacting and our nervous system is struggling to adapt, to sense that reciprocity.
  • We usually only see the other participants’ heads on videocalls. We are missing most of the body language that would normally supply us with comforting co-regulating information. Even when the other person leans forward, the screen comes no closer to you to get that sense of greater intimacy. The image remains two-dimensional and the same distance away.
  • In a videocall with several people, in gallery view, we find ourselves obliged to pay attention to everyone, whereas in a meeting or social gathering, our attention would naturally switch from one person to another.
  • We would normally get up and move around or occupy ourselves with cooking or making a cup of tea, instead of being pinned to our seat in front of the screen. We are not used to prolonged in-your-face conversation.
  • Because this is new to us, we are not used to filling in the gaps. If you’ve seen ‘Have I Got News For You’ during lockdown, you’ll have noticed that at first they didn’t realise that they needed to fill in – laughing, looking at each-other, interacting with the host. Looking straight at the screen is like having social blinkers on.

So, armed with this understanding, we can try and improve things a bit. We need to express feelings verbally to compensate for the lack of body language. We can adjust the screen to include our hands and gesture more visibly. We can switch the setting to ‘speaker view’ so that we only have to concentrate on one person in a multi-person call. We can do something else while we are on the call to take the pressure off the conversation – play with the dog, carry on knitting or bring the laptop into the kitchen and cook while we talk. Most importantly, we can have some understanding and self-compassion for why this is so tiring and difficult.

Reference: Porges, S. W. (2020). The COVID-19 Pandemic is a paradoxical challenge to our nervous system: a Polyvagal Perspective. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 17(2),135-138.